Pitiful Clover

Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does
She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up
[EMINEM – STAN]

Today I felt honestly sick, mentally and physically. I drugged myself just to erase the pain which is won’t dissapearing my problem. I started abusing my eyes, for didn’t sleep and started the job earlier. I couldn’t say I’m in control right now too coz everytime I look at the watch, I couldn’t stop thinking any than killing the time. Microsoft Words seems like a dim flat monitor of blankness that I can’t fill anything with. My works all mess, my body so wreck and I—don’t know why—started to think that Bloody Marry could ditch my eyes out so I death.

I don’t know how to start this, but I know I should tell someone out there that I learned a lot just for a night that love is so wild so hard to tame. Even I could grab it, seems like I’m not strong enough to hold and the battle begin. I got injured, yet someone got more too. If this happens more frequent, I bet someone or both of us will die.

Yet, I could see that the fire of this rumbling flame was not something I should bother. It was so small, so unsignificant, irrational if you relate this to the big problem I face now. I never expect that this little lit of thing could burn us crips. Correct me if I’m wrong.

I may born ignorant and I’m a sucker in taming people. I don’t do smooth talk if there’s no something I want to ask. Experience teaches me how to not blend emotion into man business coz they won’t feel better if I do so. It’s like I don’t trust them to make things work good again or just stepping their pride with shitfull of shoes. Where does this learning come from? Of course from my father. I know how chicken ass he would be whenever it related with my Mom’s over-authority. Well, I wont tell people how vulnerable a man could be, but the pictures of watching my dad crying was engraved firmly I couldn’t forget. He said that man never has option to bawl, but whenever he did, it means to hold something so tight beneath every breath, muscle, and blood which his heart absorbed.

Cubung is easily cracked.

Despite his big and husky appearance, deep down there is vulnerable. Sometimes, something which won’t gonna hurt me for million years could scratch him deep and make him bleed. And my ease talking doesn’t so much worked. I know I was a bull to calm him. Everyw ords I choose was frantic and flick another fire to the decent flame, and he tried so much telling me that it won’t work but I don’t know how to do anymore.Part of me thought that maybe we could talk it privately, calm, and easy when this fight’s over. But seems like Cubung never want to dig up what was already restored. Which this thing leads into something repeatance because I didn’t know how to fix and what was caused it. Seriously, I never wanted this to happen again, but when you don’t know what caused that, every step you do possibly hit jackpot. And then battling something shallow is already in your face.

Still now, I used to not knowing what and how we couldn’t resist the fight.