Pitiful Clover

Makanya, dari awal gue udah bilang, capek-capek pasang billboard di jidat yang bunyinya: emang ada gitu orang yang tahan jadi pasangan gue lama-lama? Ya kagak lah. Statement ini bolak-balik gue ganti, dari yang gak mungkin, mungkin, sampe ‘tentu aja ada.’ Satu saat, gue merasa beruntung punya perempuan yang mau duduk di samping gue, cakep, baik, pinter, tapi di saat lain, gue cuman bisa mengerutkan alis dan nopang dagu, mikirin semua hal yang udah lewat. Konklusinya? Ya emang gue asshole, mau diapain juga tetep asshole.

Tapi, berhubung gue asshole kelas atas, gue mau cuap-cuap soal ke-asshole-an gue. Satu, bias sudut pandang. Dunia ini lo liat dalam kacamata first person, apa yang lo liat adalah apa yang lo alami, kan. Lo makan, maka apa yang lu kunyah, itulah yang kerasa di lidah—lalu reseptor ngirim sinyal ke otak untuk nginformasiin apa yang lagi ada di lidah. Simpelnya, apa yang ada di mulut orang lain, tentunya nggak akan bisa lo rasain, karena ya emang itu mulut orang. Ketika dua orang makan gue, apa pasti keduanya bakalan bilang manis? Siapa yang tau kalo salah satu diantara mereka berdua ada yang lagi demam tinggi hingga lidahnya mati rasa? Nggak tau kan?

Judging, itu salah satu bentuk kemanusiaan yang paling tribal, primitif. Gue bilang, biarkanlah apa yang ada di kepala seseorang tetap ada disana, kecuali, ada kesepakatan diantara dua belah pihak untuk diskusi, tebak-tebak personaliti atau mindfucking games, terserah. Tapi memberikan penilaian, tanpa ada bukti autentik konkrit, itu sama aja blunder, ya bagus kalo bener, ya kalo salah? Sebel nggak yang ditebak-tebak? Amen. Jesus.

Bias sudut pandang ini menghasilkan adanya penyimpangan sistem dalam sebuah hubungan, penyimpangan yang kebablasan, perversive perversity. Lo bayangin, yang namanya manusia aja udah kebanyakan simpangan, sekarang ditambah faktor hati, silahkan pangkat tiga. Jadi, jangan heran ketika dalam sebuah hubungan, kadang terdengar kata: “Kenapa sih, selalu aku yang minta maaf?” “Kamu nggak pernah mau ngerti!” see? Kalimat-kalimat itu udah bagai kacang merah di sop dagingnya dunia hubungan. Bias, mereka hanya melihat dirinya sendiri dalam memberikan penilaian, seberapa crack up, seberapa hancur, tapi mereka nggak melihat kondisi orang yang satunya, penilaian sepihak, tanpa informasi, dangkal. Sebgitunya, makanya disebut peversive perversity toh. Kelewat kebablasan.

Tebak-tebak buah manggis. Mata buta, ketutup sama badan mereka sendiri, wajar sih. Degradasi fisik, mental, daya pikir, ngebuat semuanya menjadi buram, semuanya menjadi kabur. Dan insting manusia yang paling dasar, bertahan hidup. On the verge of destruction, seseorang akan sewajarnya mempertahankan diri, membela diri, makanya, bias tadi lebih mungkin terjadi. Realita belakangan, yang penting sistem pertahanan diri udah lengkap, dan kalo sempet ya serangan balik. Nggak ada yang salah, insting, nature as a human being.

“Cuma gue doang yang sakit! Lo kagak! Gue yang paling sakit! Gue yang paling menderitaa!!!”

Screw and get bent. Gue udah membuang pikiran ini, dan gue nggak bohong, kalau mulut dan tangan ini masih gatel untuk ngetik atau berucap. Tapi gue tau, hasilnya nggak akan bagus. Perbandingan itu nggak akan pernah menghasilkan fitrah dalam sebuah hubungan, apapun bentuknya. Nggak ada orang yang suka dibandingin, apalagi sama orangtua atau pacar sendiri. Lebih baik gue berpikiran, oke, gue nggak dalam kondisi baik sekarang, misery, tapi men, gue nggak sendiri, toh dia juga. Nggak ada yang seneng, semua sama susah, dan gue bilang sama.. nggak ada yang ‘lebih’, dan nggak ada yang ‘kurang’. Lo ngerasa dia gak lebih menderita? Pikir lagi dua kali, ada kata ‘ngerasa’ disana, cuman perasaan, tebakan tanpa dasar tanpa logika. Valid? Buang ke kali.

Daaaaannnn

Ini paragraf paling keren yang pernah gue baca seumur idup.

Oh its hurt, if you need to know what I feels right now. You’re fucking win this game. You’re the most right man walking on earth . It wasn't your fault, baby it was me. Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. Maybe I’m nothing good for you, what I did always harm you. Next time, just make sure you killed me, and please walk away with it. I’d better let you end up my mysery.

Tepuk tangan. Gue selalu angkat topi sama yang namanya manusia, hebat, informasi yang minim bisa dijadikan paragaf padu. Makanya, acara gosip nggak ada di neraka, itu jatahnya manusia.

Nah nah.. it’s me, the greatest bastard walking on earth.

I’m not talking about psychology. It’s a science of blabbering and lots bull—no comprehensive rules about human and their behavior—and I’m sick of talking without proof. I definitely made a slow pace on anger, thought my circuit was short and I’m a jumpie, I would rather call myself calmer recently. Calm, doesn’t mean you have control over things. My calm means, I’m tired of struggling. You can imagine how waves build itself before it hits your boat, but you couldn’t calculate how your boat survive without knowing how high the tides. What I’m trying to talk here is, sometime we never know how big the problem, how much it risk. We saw it built itself, grow bigger and bigger, and when it decided to jump on us, that’s the time when we know that it’s not as small as we thought before.

I never wanted us to fight. And we’re not deciding what’s wrong and right. What meant so much right now that we set our grip tight. Where’s the hard part of this?

I decided to take the blame—like always did—and apologize for every bad things happen on us. I was so stupid and fool I never knew what’s good for you and what’s hurt you. But sometimes, let’s take the break and we fall in each other’s palm. You know I mean nothing bad on us, I never did. You know I’m right but you always find the spot to killed us. It’s not fair. The uncomfortable things that you feel is always become a steel knife you used to stab me, in chest and deep. You never know that I was sacrifice myself too, that I should cut through time, hold myself when I need you (and the point is I need you everyday, every time) My own egoism told me that I don’t want to lose you even in second, but my heart wouldn’t let me to do this cruel things. I know we have our own universe outside, that your world doesn’t just orbits on me-only around, and neither mine. I know you always want us to be together, but look dear, we’ll miss too much things, we’ll lose too much chance on what we should achieve. Please remember that you’ve lost your Ospek just to be with me, you want me to not talk about this anymore but doesn’t mean I forget those thing.

There’s people, outside. There’s places, outside. There’s chances, outside. And when you screw around with boredom and loneliness, eager to have so much conversation with living people, meet eyes with eyes, talk lips by lips, see the real emotion not just by symbolic emoticon, how could I choose my ego than this? My heart is raging by this. You don’t know how high the tides inside and I don’t need you to understand. We failed in this pattern. I put my sorry ass and decided that while you have your universe there, I would have my own too. We could still have a talk but make sure that it’s important, so neither of us will be distracted. I want you to gain much. Please tell me I didn’t care.

I care! I put you above all the desire I had. And there’s must be some uncomfortable while we’re away but I’m sure we’re strong enough.

I care.

And you used this careness to stab me, to turn the table and swap me. Just because you don’t like what I decided but keep doing this, you find the right time to punish me, the right moment to say “I told you so, Nan”. When I cracked the rules just to call you in short time, or message you, you have your chance to punish me because I break the rules. You get the chance to fling my words back to me and teach me hard with that. And if “I thought I’m ill and you should know” doesn’t fit as ‘important’ thing, I don’t know anymore what’s important for us to know. And you just quiet. You shut and nothing to talk. You don’t burden yourself to jusk ask “what illness I’ve got”.

You punish me. You’re fucking hate me.

Deep down inside, you know I’m not deserve this cold-hammer punch. But your ego’s too high to set this, and all you need to do is follow the rules, and who violate it needs to face the risk. What? I’m your enemy right now?

Oh its hurt, if you need to know what I feels right now. You’re fucking win this game. You’re the most right man walking on earth . It wasn't your fault, baby it was me. Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. Maybe I’m nothing good for you, what I did always harm you. Next time, just make sure you killed me, and please walk away with it. I’d better let you end up my mysery.