Pitiful Clover

If you claimed this as psychological phenomenon, welll go a head. I know this pattern could have been done by many people with many reasons. Maybe there are some theories beyond this act, and please ask to psycholog if you want to know. I am a man learned from lives, from tears and blood, from hugs and slaps. Sometimes its better than any practicion and doctor that doesn’t know anything and write prescriptions just to shut our mouth. You trust them? Well, I did, past tense.

I born lucky. My family is loud, my Mom is fat, my Dad is calm and my sisters deserve bitchslap. We are happy, safe and sound, and I don’t do drama about how sad my life. But sometimes the drama is not started in front of your TV or your family room. It came to you by his own feet. Smile at you and show his dazzling teeth. And you caught by that, and there’s restrain but you cant pull yourself together. I know I write a shit.

But some people didn’t as lucky as I am. I mean, maybe their family is a wreck, and their own life is a pain in ass. My boyriend, Cubung Hanito, could be the perfect example of those unluckyness. Well, he’s a damn smart, with a good background, he learned everything so fast for people in his age. He is a good listenner and a great writer, he could tell you much more than I am. I just want to write my own point of view as his girlfriend.

For people who has lot scars (more than any punk in his city), he used to see blood. And as a heavy smoker, he knew that coughing and has difficultness of breathing is a risk he’ll bear for entire life. It is his choices, his deal with his faith. I am outta his way for it. But if you ask me did I feel okay with his usual temper in jumping boat so quick? No I am not. I know it requires patience, and I would be so hard to do it since I never good in patience myself. But I kinda love him so much I feel so scared most of time when he hurt himself. I was so scared losing him, and I felt so angry whenever he did it by the chance of me—helping him—is similar to zero. The distance is a son of bitch if it came to helping a suicider. You just hear his ranting voice, his hissing painful, and his howling pain. I want to ripp my ears so I couldn’t hear it.

At first, I thought it was his way to show me how powerful he was cornering me. He used himself as the barter of my patience. And the scars was made because I didn’t do what he wanted me to. It was like awards of my blockhead to just didn’t give what he need. And it was reminder for my entire life that sometimes when you had this kind of boyfriend you should hold your own ego and let he get what he wanted, or not, there’s something would bleed. At least I had this kind of thought whenever we got fight. I crawled in beg for him to stop, told him that putting trigger in my head is hurting me, and maybe I just do what he wants but I don’t feel so into it.

But the fact, he did all of it in reward of his blissness. He would feel better by hurting himself, put his life on a line like I did before. It was the result of running out options. And back to self hurting, this is his way to ease his heart pain.

Now give me slap.

-to be continued-