Pitiful Clover

It’s stupid to write this HERE since it used to be our place to have blasts, but then I don’t think I could post it in my tumblr. Dinda’s there, and it’s not safe at all. I don’t want to raise her worries.

I call it : ANXIETY.

One for you to understand this, because these were what I really felt :

Anxiety defines as a future-oriented mood state in which one is ready or prepared to attempt to cope with upcoming negative events suggesting that it is a distinction between future vs. present dangers which divides anxiety and fear.

Physical effects : include heart palpitations, muscle weakness and tension, fatigue, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, stomach aches, or headaches. The body prepares to deal with a threat: blood pressure and heart rate are increased, sweating is increased, blood flow to the major muscle groups is increased, and immune and digestive system functions are inhibited (the fight or flight response). External signs of anxiety may include pale skin, sweating, trembling, and pupillary dilation

Emotional effects : feelings of apprehension or dread, trouble concentrating, feeling tense or jumpy, anticipating the worst, irritability, restlessness, watching (and waiting) for signs (and occurrences) of danger, and, feeling like your mind's gone blank"as well as "nightmares/bad dreams, obsessions about sensations, deja vu, a trapped in your mind feeling, and feeling like everything is scary

Cognitive effects : thoughts about suspected dangers, such as fear of dying. You feel an intense fear when you think of dying, or you may think of it more often than normal, or can’t get it out of your mind.

Anxiety - Wikipedia

First, it’s a common sense that when you feel danger, you’ll take anything serious, even a joke. And saying “don’t worry” is never worked on this phase. Everything I did based on my primordial instinct to secure my living, include my happiness. Once a bug, a tiny, slighty, slutty bug that never concerned me so much come to ruin my mood, I could swing a cupboard to kill it. Include, what I said “a mere bitch that tried her all might to get my boyfriend’s attention”. So, what happen these days really bug me, I mean, really disturbing my nerve and swaying nausea in the pit of my tummy. A girl, ordinary girl, never better, so pure and has jilbab on her head, has something growing so big between her already big boobs toward my boyfriend. MY BOYFRIEND. She really rang war horn.

I know, Hani will said “Don’t ever worry about this thing, its useless.” Include saying silently that ‘I’m a loyal, no one could distract me from your presence’ and he did, he did it in purpose to ease me. But it worked futile when I saw their picture in Hani’s FB, shocked, it really made my blood rushed in different pulmo. I hate to say that what I felt right there was a major defense on what I own. I know that a girlfriend or boyfriend remain a state, and we never completely own each other until the sacrament vow has made, but I just don’t want to lose him. Not now, not today, not even tomorrow—I don’t know the exact time I could let him go. I wish I never.

So that’s why, each second when I couldn’t call him, my head spun like merry go round. Some imaginary pictures of them having a good time in kitchen boiled my blood so well, some other thought was maybe Hani couldn’t reach me because he’s busy to look her. Oh shit. And I know, I’m too much over this, I collapsed my head straight to bed after the cold bath to ease my stammering.

And finally he picked the phone, and I rest in peace.

Finished with this, he made me sure that he wouldn’t ever feed his fans again—like I told him long time ago. Nothing I could do but trustly put my faith on him. I wish he could understand my feeling, and my condition. It’s not that he would betray me, but I never can stand with some lusty eyes tracked his good shape body while I’m here, faraway. I’m obsessive?? Oh God kill me.

Since when….

Oh forget it. I love him too much.

I dont know how to keep it safe without exploding myself. So this, maybe this scrappy thing will do more than an absent boyfriend, or absent cigarette since I decided to stop--willingly at last--consumed.

So this sickness called jealousity. It consumed every part of me faster than Hani's eating speed. I tried to calm myself and thought that it was some jokes, or misunderstanding, or some shitty bitch who doesnt know with whom she's dealing with. But I hate this. In this case, we agree that both of us are so productive to explode many vaginas and dicks, if we willingly want it. And then again, we know that we have a mutual-invisible-but-noticed-agreement that we soberly has something to fight for. We are child of hormone, of love and throne, of estrogen and testosterone. And sometimes, too much spice of it would boil more than what should be.

You said that I'm smart? No, I'm so dumb and useless. There's a hole of shit in my brain right now. And I cant carry it out before getting dirty. Now, even now, I know I have none idea of what I'm talking about. It's like pup, when you have a big disaster storm inside your tummy and you dont know where to explode it. Its not about the trust too, I mean goddamn I'm so confident I'm the only one in your heart, but nah, never confident that I'm the only one in your arms... look at those picture of yours facebook.

We never had this issues before. And now everything comes like bugs in Spring. Can you help me to understand this?


Sincerely yours